I am writing to address a recent issue in our mutual past. While it might have seemed that I did, I did not mind participating in the "Would You Do (Insert Celebrity Name)?" game. And though it may have appeared otherwise, I do absolutely have no problem condoning the fantasy of celebrity sex. I will note that I absolutely agreed with your inquiries of certain A-list celebrities such as "Elisha Cuthbert" and "Kate Beckinsale" and while I somewhat disagreed with your acceptance of "Paris Hilton" for personal, political and social reasons, I remained respectful of your decision; especially in light of your generous overlooking of my preference for the somewhat older "Maria Bello". In fact, I rather enjoyed pondering over your suggestions of "Rose Byrne" and "Kate Winslet" among others and I did also feel that "Barbara Walters" was a laughter provoking and controversial suggestion. Though things between us are icy now, you will perhaps remember that I laughed heavily at the thought of "schtupping" the esteemed cast of "The Golden Girls" and even offered back the 78th US Attorney General and Runner-up of the 2002 Florida Governorship Election, Janet Reno.
However, "Dakota Fanning" was NOT an appropriate response.
This is the reason for the terse silence and general awkwardness that has subsequently enveloped our daily interaction. I hope this letter clarifies the situation for you and that we might soon resolve this uncomfortable situation.